Keeping it Classy in the Carolinas

So here we are on our very first family vacation this far away from home (11 hours).  We are in Myrtle Beach and the weather when we arrived was amazing, but the ocean is cold, which is okay, because my daughter knows more about ocean creatures than most kids twice her age, and wading is good enough right now anyway.

We arrived after driving all night – we left at 9:30pm – we both took short catnaps while the other drove but, all told, if we slept a total of 4 hours between us I’d be surprised.  The kids were good though, it was nice that they slept most of the way, really nice.  When Rory did awaken, around 7:30 am or so, she had to go potty, and there are miles and miles of North Carolina roads that have no amenities whatsoever, and are frankly like looking back in time about 60 years or so, and not in a good way.  So we find a gas station, and the car is packed to the gills with everything I thought we might need for a week with two small kids that can go through 4 outfits a day easily.

Nate got Rory out, and when he opened her door, a bunch of stuff fell out.  He said, “We’re keeping it classy, aren’t we?”  LOL, yeah.  We are, don’t we always?!?  I take her to the bathroom and she’s babbling incoherently and still half asleep.  I come out and get some coffee and Ving Rames or his stunt double anyway, is standing at the counter, customer side, like he’s a bouncer or something – he’s not friendly.  The cashier is not friendly either, and I don’t understand her, and said, “I’m sorry?” and she repeated whatever it was she said, and at that point I just nodded.  It worked, she didn’t keep speaking her strange southern language.  So then we go out to the car and I put my purse on top of the car while I buckle Gage in and then I get juice boxes out of the cooler (on the other side of the car).  While I’m doing this, this car zooms in next to us and Lil Wayne’s stunt double gets out and sizes up our car, looks at my purse and walks reeaallll slow toward the gas station.  Pretty sure I narrowly averted some sort of robbery/sting type thing, Ving probably had a blue tooth on and called Lil Wayne to the scene.

So then we get to the hotel, and we’re too early to check in.  Too early by like 7 hours.  We’re all beat, stinky and hungry.  So we go to the public parking lot with access to the beach, and I have to get everyone’s suits out and stuff, and they are buried of course, so I’m pulling out piles of bags and toys are flying everywhere, food, etc.  People are walking by all decked out for their day at the beach, well rested, well dressed, etc.  Looking at me as if I may be some sort of homeless person living out of my car.

So once we check in and get all situated, I’m preparing to cook dinner for us – I broiled the steaks we brought in a pan in the oven, and duh….I see a pan and think I can grab it by the handle after it had been under the broiler for 10 minutes and sizzzllllee off my right hand’s outer layer of skin.  It was great, thought I’d have to go to the hospital,  I soaked my hand in the sink for like 3 hours, and since I had nothing else to do, I drank beer.

The next morning, the kids wake up at 5 am, and they are hungry, so I get the cereal bars and they wanted cheese balls, I’m so bleary-eyed tired and my hand hurts, I just want to go to sleep again, so I turn the TV on for them and go lay back down.  When we get around and go in there, they had smeared the red jelly in the cereal bars all over the white down comforter, and had dumped the entire jar of cheese balls on the carpet and had crushed many of them.  Nate says, “I guarantee this is the first time cheese balls have been crushed into this carpet!”  Keeping it classy!

At 9am, we have to go to the dreaded time share meeting.  I’m sporting a giant blister which looks like some sort of weird disease or wart, I’m slightly hung over, tired, and my kids are NOT DOWN with sitting through this meeting.  The guy was nice, he had a sense of humor at least.  Within 10 minutes the kids were whining, pleading, acting out – Gage eventually gave up begging to leave and fell asleep on a chair.  Rory was yelling, “Daddy promised we’d have a great vacation, and this IS NOT A GREAT VACATION!!!”  She’s yelling, “VAMANOS!!!”  She’s banging her head on a chair cushion, she’s answering the main presentation lady’s rhetorical questions, it was rough.

So we go tour the luxury suite, get our ridiculous quote $35,000 – yeah, not on your life, dude, and then we are getting in an elevator with this family and their luggage cart.  The guy says, “Do you drink Budweiser?”  I said “No!” emphatically, because one beer I hate, absolutely hate, is Budweiser.  Nate said, “Yes, yes we do.”  And the guy hands him a plastic bag full of Budweiser (he said he couldn’t take it with him).  So here’s Nate, with two toddlers in tow, with a big bag of beer, in the lobby of an upscale hotel.

We go back in for the final sales pitch and the guy’s asking us how much we spend on vacations.  We basically told him we spend only gas and food because if we go anywhere, we are usually lucky enough to stay with family or in this case, won this week with a $5 raffle ticket purchase.  The poor guy was flustered.  Rory then interrupts the exchange to show him how she can write her name, and he asks her some questions, like if she’s been good all year (so the Easter Bunny will come).  She says, “Well, I try to be good, but sometimes, I make bad choices.”  We were all speechless for a minute or two (and giggling).

We FINALLY get out of there and they know we’re broke and we aren’t going to be signing on any dotted lines…and my blister pops and I’m oozing yuckiness so I grab a cocktail napkin, and as I’m trying to get bandaids from the desk, Nate is walking around with his bag of beer and the two toddlers.  Keeping it classy!  He then says, “I have to go,” and they leave to go to the room – he tells me later it is because he was painfully aware that he was walking around with a bag of beer and two small kids.

Then we finally get down to the pool, Rory gets in, and within 2 minutes is yelling, “I HAVE TO POOP!!!!  I HAVE TO POOP!!!!”  Ah yes, keeping it classy!!!  😉